I see it in your face. You feel sorry for me. You feel like I am a failure. Please change your response, as that’s not the way I feel. In fact, if anything, please acknowledge my strength, my renewed spirit of light, hope, and determination for something better. Divorce is not for everyone, but it is not a dirty word nor a place of shame. I cherish celebrating love and weddings and marriages – that has not changed. And I recognize that not all marriages are meant to be forever, and that is also okay. Starting from the Torah we see that divorce is acceptable in Judaism, that not all marriages are meant to last, and that one or both individuals in the couple have their reasons. Our tradition states:
A man takes a woman [into his household as his wife] and becomes her husband. She fails to please him because he finds something obnoxious about her, and he writes her a bill of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house (Deuteronomy 24:1)
We could explore the gender bias and heteronormative relationships inherent in this verse, but the essential idea in Torah is clear: Not all marriages are meant to last. The Talmud discusses divorce extensively, including the notion that divorce should exist, but not be encouraged. No worries. No one chooses divorce lightly. Divorce is a long, hard process that takes strength, courage, and a determined hope for a better future. The Reform Movement has removed gender bias from the Jewish divorce process – a partner of any gender can initiate divorce and move it to completion – but the need for strength and courage remains the same. In my case, I tried hard to “save” my marriage, to stay with my now ex-husband. But that was not actually the healthiest choice for my children or myself. While it took strength to stay in the marriage, it took even more courage to say I wanted to leave. Whether one is the initiator or not, divorce is not for the weak. I say this not to scare anyone off, but only to acknowledge that the road leading from contemplation to announcing the desire for divorce to separation to legal divorce is long and hard. Chazak v’ematz, be strong and of good courage (Deuteronomy 31:7). As an individual who has personally gone through divorce and a rabbi who has counseled many individuals and couples experiencing divorce, I’d like to offer some guidance to those offering support to a friend or family member as well as divorcing individuals. For all the well-meaning friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow synagogue community members:  When someone shares that they are getting a divorce, do not immediately assume this is bad news. Instead of saying, “oh, no” or “I’m so sorry,” ask a simpler, more open-ended question: “How are you are doing with that?” Maybe the person/couple is grieving the loss of the marriage, or perhaps they are sighing with relief, or feeling a roller coaster of emotions. Do not assume how they feel. Do not say, “Have you tried to work on it?” or “You seemed like such a good/strong couple.” Of course they tried! None of us have any idea what happens behind the scenes of anyone’s marriage. If you are closer to one of the partners over the other in the marriage, there will be a natural tendency to split into “sides.” If you feel conflicted about whom to support, don’t make it about you by saying so to the couple. If children are involved and you are close with them, you can comment, “I know your parents are getting divorced and if you want to talk, I am happy to listen.” If not, approaching the children can seem like you’re soliciting gossip or using them to get information. To the individual or couple contemplating or experiencing divorce: Please know that you are not alone. Some marriages are just not meant to be forever. You likely have a whole range of feelings about it. Be patient with yourself, the process of divorce takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Get a lawyer, even if you and your partner both agree it will be an amicable process. For some couples, it stays amicable; for other couples, ugliness comes out and feelings around the divorce can be all the stronger. Regardless, lawyers and mediators are still helpful. If children are involved, do not use them as pawns nor speak negatively about your partner/ ex-partner in front of them. Reach out to family, friends, clergy, and whoever else can support you. They want to be supportive, even if they aren’t always sure how to be. Be kind to yourself as you go through this process and afterwards, too! I know this sounds cliché and may be hard to see in the moment, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Ideally, like every other life moment, you will learn from it, you will grow from it, and you will be stronger from it. Chazak v’ematz, be strong and of good courage.